Thunder Sings

dear heart

Please be careful. :(

i miss you already

In less than an hour, I'm pretty sure yr exam will be over.

I'm scared that once you walk out of that room, you walk out of my life forever. Drama much? But yeah. My friend chided me saying, "You're just scared he'll walk away." I answered "And so what if I am?"

I've gotten used to seeing you. Your not being there is going to be harder now.

and.

The disappointment hasn't hit me fully yet. It's not real to me yet. This is terrible denial.

story of my life

Of course you like someone else. Of course you do. Because that is precisely how things work in my universe. There is always another girl - a girlfriend, a prospect, someone you're holding out on for the mere possibility for it. Yr reward at the end of yr toil. Of course, of course.

People should come with signs above their heads: "Waste of time." "Will make you cry." "Won't change for you." "Not worth it." And more painful ones: "Not interested." "Not the one for you." How much simpler would that be? How much more productive would we become, if we didn't have to waste time figuring it all out for ourselves?

Sigh.

In all honesty, the bluster is just to make up for my jadedness. I'm looking for a sign that there really is someone out there for me, somewhere, because all this disappointment is beginning to take its toll

xtac - Monday, July 19, 2010 8:59:31 PM

Perhaps it would be overly dramatic to call it agony, the feeling I get when I see you now. It saddens me that I'm most proficient in English, a language that is still so limited, there isn't a word nuanced enough to capture this feeling. And so I'm left with the word agony in all its triteness.

They say language is a reflection of what a community finds vital, invaluable. Thus Eskimo have twelve different words for snow, Filipinos have around the same number of words for rice, etc. I  wonder if someday there'll be a language with twenty seven different words for heartbreak, forty two words for love, sixty six words for loneliness and at least nine words for longing (longing, oh yes, I need at least nine). These words have become trite - too large, too broad, too general. The keening hurt I feel is a muffled sound when the word heartbreak falls into a friend's ears, this resounding hollowness becomes the dull clang of the word lonely.

What do I call the reflex where my eyes seek you out involuntarily the moment I enter a room, despite the inevitable embarrassment I feel when you catch me looking? What about the way I'm suddenly quieter and unsure of what I want to say, how completely out of my depth I suddenly am in trying to make interesting conversation with you? There should be a word for the heaviness in my chest when I remember how futile it is to want you and how helpless I am to stop it anyway.

Today I had to close my eyes when you got up from yr seat and we crossed each other's lines of vision. I put my hand to my forehead to shield my eyes and half my face from yr view. It got so hard to breathe. I couldn't take watching you just walk by, not seeing me. (Or worse, watching you you walk by, pretending not to notice me.) Neither would I have been able to bear seeing any expression cross yr face should you at all recognize me. That was agony. To want to be seen so desperately by you and at the same time being unable to bear it.

frustration defined

I can't seem to get you out of my head. Yes, I'm aware that it's making me creepy and stalker-ish. I don't like it either and I like to pretend that I'm normal, that I've got it under control, but I don't, I don't. You're there at the back of my mind. Every thought about love, romance - mentions of chick flicks, quotes from books, creative nonfic online - it all finds it way somehow to you. I can't stand this. I can't stand how I want you.

There, I said it. Out loud.

I want you. Against my better judgment. Against the voice in my head that's whispering that I know better, that I know you're not the one, that we have too little in common and that we'd have nothing to talk about and I'd get bored with you and you won't KNOW me the way I want to be known. I want you. I want you to realize you can't take the State Boards this year, get pissed and want to talk to ME, ME who is weird around you and just smiles and blushes a lot and says the wrong things and laughs AT you because to me you are the funniest guy. I want you. I want to make sure you're eating right and having fun, because yr frame's gotten so narrow it worries me. I want to you to show me all the places you eat and the food you like and I want to worry that something you eat will land you in the hospital again. I want you. I want to rub yr shoulders when they're stiff from holding books and highlighters all day, sooth yr brow when you're frowning as you concentrate over yr reading, and smooth yr hair when it sticks up like you've been too busy to comb yr hair when you get up in the morning. It makes you look strangely manic, when you've got this stillness about you that's unmatched. I want you. I want to have an excuse for missing you the way I already do. I want you.

Am I just lonely? Is this just me looking for someone? Wanting someone and so just wanting you? It's agonizing to feel this way. Especially when you're so distant. Open yr eyes dammit. I'm worth at least that.

i wish you knew

I wish you knew how it felt to be rejected so completely the way I have been.

interesting first day

First day back in school today, and it was pretty good. Woke up really really early to try and get some work done - was only partly successful. I got dressed and tried to make myself look human. In keeping with my New Year's resolution to make the most out of my wardrobe, I put on an outfit I rather liked today.

Dress and necklace: Reading Room, Shoes: CMG, Bag: ALDO

Digression: I really love this dress. I bought it for myself as a Christmas present from the Reading Room in Cubao Expo. It looks really simple, but I love the details of the piece with its geometric pleats breaking up the stripes of the dress. The cut is also cute, with a mod feel. I also like that it isn't too short. The kicker for me though was the cute razorblade charm on the right sleeve of the dress. I bought it after really thinking about it, since it cost a bit more than I was willing to pay. It cost P450.

Sorry for the blurry photos.

Anyway, I got to school and met up with my group mates to review our presentation. It was fun, since most of my group mates are my friends. A funny incident occurred though. I'm pretty amused.

When I first arrived, my guy friend commented that the dress I was wearing was nice. I said thanks and went to work with them. Then later on, he looks at me carefully and asks, "Are you wearing makeup?" I feel a little conscious, and say that I put makeup on because I lacked sleep. He reassures me that it looks nice. After a while, when it was just the two of us working with the presentation he leans on my shoulder and SMELLS me, as in inhales really conspicuously on my shoulder. I don't really pay attention, kasi baka it was an awkward mistake lang. I figured that if it wasn't, then it was really flattering. Then after a while, he moves to my other side and does the same thing again! It was so funny! I'm really flattered, because I like to think it was an indirect compliment. Things go on as usual, and we head on to class.

Our report gets postponed because not enough people read. Really annoying since we did work on it. We consulted instead on it, so we got some points to focus on for the actual report. Headed off to Philo class. It was pretty boring, but I did get to exercise my brain some. Philo does make me think.

Headed to the ISO afterwards for my thesis meeting with my thesis mates. It was a pretty good meeting. Everyone was in generally high spirits from the Christmas break. We ended with kwentuhan and conversations about The Future, i.e. after March. I love my thesis groupmates.

Ended up having lunch with Steph, and we also had a really good conversation. I can't wait to talk to her tomorrow. I hope things went well with her today. We had sisig at the ISO caf, and it tastes different! It was creamy and spicy with liver in it. It used to be crunchy. :( Boo.

Kat and Ambat followed soon after. Ambat gave me the CD he burned for me (Meiko! So awesome!), and Kat got her ID from Steph. We sat down and had a good time, reminiscing and talking about our batch. I hope Ambat didn't feel too left out though.

Headed to Theo, and found out my deadline had been moved. Hallelujah! I won't be dying too hard on Thursday. XD Watched a video by Joey Velasco that I really liked. I think it's named "Hapag ng Pag-asa," similar to the painting the video is about. It was very poignant. It also made me aware of how lovely the Filipino language is. It makes cheesy statements a lot less cheesy. The subtitling could be better though.

After class, I went shopping for a planner. I bought one that I really like. I also bought makeup. >_< Guh. I better limit my expenses already. I shouldn't buy any new makeup until summer, except maybe for mascara. I gotta stop the crazy spending. I gotta save for graduation gifts and the boyfriend's birthday gift!

Now I'm cramming for my Theo orals tomorrow. I hope all goes well. Guh.

so tell me.

There's a reason why people approaching senility can remember perfectly well their childhood friends, their highschool loves, family members long dead and gone. Memories, they make connections in our brain that grow stronger the more we recall them, the more meaning we attach to them. So the longer our relationships with people go, the more deeply etched they are in our memories, the harder it is to forget.

Twelve years. That's how long it's been since that first memory. And maybe that's why it makes me so angry.

It's not just being really sad at not having each other around. Not just being scared to lose. Not just being nostalgic from looking back and looking at where we are now - a few months short of being continents away, both literally and figuratively. It's being so fucking angry that none of it seems to matter, none of it merits an iota of EFFORT towards not being strangers. And of course, it's being really damn hurt.

You're right, you know? Your comment cut to the bone. And I hate being a girl about it, but it kinda made me tear.  The effort thing. But it just sucks that it isn't worth it. And of course, no matter how much I want to just pack her up from my life and ship her to Canada, the way she'll eventually pack up and ship her things, there's that nagging bit of sentimentality that can't. That actually cares. And it pisses me off that I can't just cut it off, and pack it away along with her.

I hate that this affects me so badly. I hate that I was really happy today, for no reason at all - I actually felt like myself again after a long while - but that got shot to hell, when I thought of this. I hate that it bothers me. I hate that it means something.

...

I don't know her anymore. And I'm afraid to now.